I haven't written here in a long time.  So long, that I had to get a date calculator to figure out exactly how long its been since I've written and its an unbelievable 650 days.  Well, I can't catch you up on the past 650 days in one sentence, but I can tall you why I'm back.  Simply: I feel called to write here again.

In the past 650 days life has certainly taken its series of twists and turns, ups and downs, achievements and disappointment, celebrations and loss.  Within this two year period our family has suffered great personal loss, as five relatives have past away either from illness or quite suddenly.  So I guess I'll pick up the story here.  Actually two weeks after my last post was when these unfortunate circumstances began, and of course, instead of grieving like a "normal" person I decided to act out sexually.  Random guy, random place.  Anything to get my mind off of things.  And since I had always associated sex with closeness (a horrible comparison), the more sex I was having the more I felt like someone or something, or at the very least desirable.  This continued for months but no one needs to be bored by my sexual indiscretion.  I'm embarrassed enough but we'll get to that later.

Even now I try to think about why I stopped, but through some miracle I just did.  But miracles to me are ironic because as I lived in a family surrounded by illness and death I stopped believing in then.  Although I never fully stopped believing in God I guess I just decided that good things weren't going to happen to us anymore.  I was tired of living on a happy Christian campus with happy Christians praising a God who I was (and for what I thought was good reason, having serious doubts about).  I don't know if any of you have had a time in your life when everything stacks up against you, but the past eighteen months was certainly one of those times.  But I suppose as we all learn, life goes in cycles.  The storm clouds slowly left my family and we started picking up the pieces.  Luckily, I feel like we are closer now than ever before.  And sure, the upcoming holidays are never easy, but we do it together and with a sense of new tradition and normality.

But back to me and my story.  I was rebeling against God and faith and all of those lessons I knew to be true for the past, now 22 years of my life and doing whatever I wanted to feel better.  Sex, alcohol, sex, alcohol, repeat.  Once again however, life was about to take one of those turns and I got a job, graduated college, and moved out on my own.  And I'm sure you are thinking that more men and more trouble was to abound because I had my own place, my own life, my own rules.  But yet again, something inside me (God) was trying to fix me and I never had another 'encounter' with any man since I left college.  It wasn't and hasn't necessarily been by choice.  I can't lie and say there are not times when I'd like to just spend that time with a guy (sexual or nonsexual) but there was something about working professionally and working entirely too much which has been a blessing in its own right because since I've been working I've been too tired for any sexta activities.  But more on that later.

So the big turning point, and the reason I feel like God wants me reading, writing, and interacting about SSA is this.  Once again I can't explain why, but I had this overwhelming fear that I was HIV positive.  Literally overwhelming, it became all I could think about.  And knowing about HIV testing, I knew that it can't detect it in your system until six months after the last encounter.  I celebrated seven months of no sex, and struck up the courage, went to the doctor, and took the test. I waited for what seemed to be an eternity.  I can't even remember the exact number of days I waited for results.  What I think now was three days seemed like an entire life time.  It seemed like every many I had ever been with went flashing through my mind and even more horrifying where the men I could barely remember.  Had I or hadn't I with each of them?  My mind was a complete disaster.  And if you see where this story is going....I prayed for the first time in months.  I just prayed and begged for forgiveness, fully aware and ashamed of my previous sin, and even more heartbreakingly aware of the potential consequences for my actions.  But, as you might expect, I made God a promise.  I know it sounds lame, or pathetic, or hopeless, but I made God a promise that I would make my "dry" sexual spell a permanent one until I was married.  (Although I suppose we should address when I ever think I will marry and if that person will be male or female for another post because this one is all over the place, my apologies).  At the same time I made this promise, I knew that it wouldn't change my past and I came to a place where I would accept the outcome as true and fitting. 

 The day finally came and I was negative.  There it was right in front of me.   But I didn't want to shout from the rooftops.  I felt more embarrassed for myself than I ever had before in my life.  The realization that I had sunk so low that I even thought of taking the test was, and still is hard to swallow.  Where is that person I left behind?  The one that would never dream any of this happening, and who was so focused on Christ and calling?  And who was I? 

The moral of this long and twisted and disassociated story?  I'm not sure.  But I truly feel called to be here, even though this is just one step into getting my life back in order.  And just because I haven't had sex in seven months doesn't mean I am healed, it just means I stopped being a slut.  As a sinful man I will never stop having problems to work on.  I still struggle with alcohol, pornography, SSA, my treatment of others both outwardly and inwardly, and most importantly my relationship with God.  How can I come back to Him after two years and what are my expectations?  I hope to being searching deep within myself to find this answers, but the scariest thing about that is knowing that it was certainly take longer than my 650 hiatus. 

I hope to catch up on and with all of you!  Please send me a message if you get a chance, I would really appreciate it.  And my sincere apologies for abandoning one place where we as the body of Christ can work together.

I've heard it said that I'm hard to relate to, that it takes me a while to open up, and that I really never warm up to friends for a long time.  Unfortunately, at least for the moment, believe that this is true.  I want to say it is because I do not like making new friends, but that statement isn't a 100% accurate either.  Self-reflection is really hard, we never really want to understand why we do the things we do.  It's much easier to just take our actions at face value.  On the outside level, I guess I'm reserved, but friendly.  I will say "hi" to anyone, and I suppose that I have several acquaintances that way.  Much of my social life is simply a brief conversation about how classes are, what is new in our lives, or some campus gossip.  But this isn't to say that I don't have close friends, because I have a handful of them, but the dynamic is totally different.  If I take you on as a close friend I want to know everything about you, I'll laugh with you, share with you, adventure with you, and worry when you worry.  I guess it is hard to balance that even with the five close friends I have here.  I guess it's because I don't want a friendship to be arbitrary.  Saying hello and running into someone once every few weeks is quite different than thinking you are "friends" with someone when you hardly know anything about them, at least from my perspective.  Most people are friends because they have similar interests, but since when does popular music, movies, the media, or choice of education determine a true friendship?  Besides, if I started opening up to everyone, what a mess that would be.  Seriously, despite the fact that I deeply want a friend to know everything about me, its just not logically possible.  Even if you aren't a struggler you won't be able to do that.  We sin, we keep secrets we don't want others to know, and deep down inside we are want to be introverts once in a while.  I don't want to say that there is no point in trying to make friends with, in this case, my new roommates, but I don't know how else to put it.  We're only together until the end of May, and that is the end.  We've only lived together for four weeks.  How can I be expected to share on an emotional level?  It doesn't bother me that we aren't close.  Sure, I'd stay up late and have conversations about anything, but we don't.  They could ask me anything they wanted (which I already offered) but they haven't.  It's not that I don't love them in a spiritual way.  They are my brothers in Christ and that is certainly significant.  If they ever needed anything, I'd be there for them.  Being in the third year of school you kind of have friends outside of your roommates.  That first year, when you are all new, your best friends are your roommates and neighbors (and at least for me, those guys from a few years back are some of my closest friends).  Now that we're older, it's a different dynamic, and that is ok too.  I'll try to keep you updated on the roommates, if and when something emotional should happen.  I kind of appreciated taking this blog in a different direction tonight, I have more to work on that just lust :)

By the way, we got 10 inches of snow in the past 36 hours and didn't have class today.  Give college kids a snow day and you are in for a wild day of snowmen, shoveling, snowball fights, and football.  But since we are back to the books tomorrow I should finish my readings.

Take care guys

Dear God,

You are the King of Kings.  Nothing in the world can ever compare to you.  You have given us the greatest gift of all, Your Son, who came to Earth to die for my sins.  I acknowledge your greatness, but I don't appreciate it.  I pretend to walk with you, when I decide to walk alone.  I've been convinced that my way can be the best way, because if I do it my way I know it will be easier, and that is so cheap.  You have the perfect plan for my life, and yet I have never allowed myself to let go.  Almost every event in my life has helped me develop a sense of independence, when I truly need dependence.  Dependence on you, the one true God.  I've continued to focus on things that tomorrow may be insignificant; my major worries should be minor.  I beat myself over situtations that I put myself into, and I've acted like an elementary school child when things haven't gone my way.  The greatest concerns this week have been self centered.  Why does it matter if my friends don't want to grab an apartment together with me next year and instead elect to disinclude me?  Why does it matter that my storybook romance may never come true?  Why does it matter that I keep focusing on "that perfect guy" whom I'll never meet?  Why am I not focused on my family and my life following You?  I am about to lose my first relative to you, and I don't know how to react, except to trust you.  As the days get harder, as the nights get longer, your light and your love will shine through.  I pray for a miracle when they happen everyday, and I just don't notice them.  You never said that following you would be easy.  Many have died for you, many are prosecuted for standing and affirming your grace.  I am broken, but it is not an excuse.  You call us to be perfect in an inperfect world; an impossible challenge if I do not trust you.  Yes, I will sin everyday, and it will be ugly and dark I will be ashamed, but every morning that I awake, you call me to do just a little bit better.  You call me to love without judgment, to walk by faith and not by sight, to trust.  So I'm sorry that I do not trust you.  I'm sorry that I disappoint not only you, but those around me.  My journey on your earth may be ending today or last for eighty more years.  I accept that only you know the answers, only you have the plan, that you hold all the cards.  Maybe now I can just live for you.

JD

Job 8: 13-15

 13 Such is the destiny of all who forget God;
       so perishes the hope of the godless.

 14 What he trusts in is fragile ;
       what he relies on is a spider's web.

 15 He leans on his web, but it gives way;
       he clings to it, but it does not hold.

It's almost the New Year and that means its resolution season, but this year I'm not in the mood.  It's not that resolutions can't serve real and rewarding purposes, it's just that at this point in my life it doesn't seem quite necessary.  What would I say?  By the end of 2007 I'd like to be straight....and not only straight, but at my future beach house complete with maid, butler, and personal chef?  Ok, that might be a little drastic, but still no resolutions for me. 

I've been trying to think about what I've accomplished this year, and it seems I have to pull really deep.  Survival is the better fitting word than accomplish.  I survived a misguided roommate who fell into drugs (and is slowly coming back out thanks to some professional help and the power of God).  I've survived two semesters with relatively decent grades (I've decided I have to accept the 3.3 GPA and be proud of it, and hopefully pull it up so I can graduate with honors).  I survived my summer work experience and the seemingly endless offers by other young men my age.  And while I can't say that I "survived" my walk in the woods, it happened, and it changed me, and I refocused, and I pulled a little closer to God.  I guess that's not much accomplishment, but the pulling closer to God is a definite plus, I need Him more than anyone else.  If only God gave hugs, we'd be set, because I really really LOVE hugs.  If I wasn't so reserved I'd be hugging everyone on the street.  So if anyone is reading this who actually knows me, or if you think you see me on the street someday give me a hug ok?  Promise?

As I sit here at 12:30 in the morning on what is now New Years Eve, I can't stop thinking about the value of relationships, any relationship.  See I'm catching up with a female friend who is talking about the issues with her boyfriend and how they are "working things out".  I guess I just want to tell her that she doesn't know how lucky she has it.  Sure every relationship has its problems, but she has someone to call in the middle night, someone to watch movies with, someone to hug :)  Anyway, I always bring up relationships on my little blog because I still want one, it's just totally not the right time.  I'll wait for it, it is certainly something to look forward too.  Oh, this week I've been working on application after application, cover letter after cover letter, for potential internships this summer.  What a pain!  *Ahem* I mean, what I good oppertunity for self assessment......*cough*  I'm giving God total control here..well I'll get decisions here along the line, but I know he has the perfect plan!

I've spent most of my break watching endless amounts of Tv-on-DVD sets and movies, hoping that the imaginary world can just wash over me for a while.  It's not the best idea to be honest.  It worked for a while, but as break already is drawing to a close (yes only about a week left) I realize that it will be back to school, back to life, back to socialization, and choices that won't be as easy or dramatic as on television.  Do I have to go back to college?  Really?  Maybe I can just move to a beach and work there and be one step closer to the straight/beach house stage of my life......

Alright I'll close with random other notes because I am too lazy to post comments :)  Danny, you are my Superman.  I'm so proud of you for talking to your Dad, I can't imagine spilling to my father, but you did and you lived =0)  To everyone else:  Happy New Year and I really hope that 2007 is your year.  Your year to shine, to dream, to hope, to prosper, to do anything you can imagine because we serve an amazing God!

Take care

I thought this song was pretty fitting for me lately, unfortunately I am not talented enough to get it to play, but the lyrics are powerful.  Feel free to check it out and give it a listen.

The Real Me - Natalie Grant

Foolish heart, looks like we're here again.
Same old game of plastic smile,
Don't let anybody in.
Hiding my heartache,
Will this glass house break?
How much will it take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.

Painted on, life is behind a mask,
Self-inflicted circus clown.
I'm tired of the song and dance,
Living a charade, always on parade.
What a mess I've made of my existence.
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow...

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When You look at me.
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry.
Oh, I just wanna be me,
I wanna be me.

And you love me just as i am.
wonderful, beautiful is what you see
when you look at me.